I’ve recently discovered a thing on the internet called fmylife.com. It’s where people write down things that happen in their life that really really suck and make them wanna say “F” my life. Because they’re situations that make someone else’s life suck, they’re absolutely hilarious. Of course there are the few that are just kind of okay and don’t really give you much joy in the person’s suffering or the ones that actually really suck and you kind of feel bad for the person, but for the most part they cause me to giggle a little. Sometimes the person really does deserve the thing that happens to them cause they did a stupid thing. That’s why there are options to vote. There’s an option that says “I agree, your life is f***ed.” Then there’s the option to click that says, “You deserved that one.”
Here are a few examples of some ones I found pretty funny.
Today, I was walking through the park eating fries. There was an old woman feeding a few pigeons. They didn't seem too interested, so I threw some fries down as I walked by to try and help her out. About 2 minutes later, I heard screaming. A huge group of pigeons were attacking the old woman. FML
Today, I was running down the hallway when a door opens and hits me right on the face. I'm sitting there with my nose bleeding and a huge bump forming on my head. The guy who comes out is hugely fat, tries to help me up, trips, and falls on me. I accidentally groped his moobs while trying to push him off. FML
Today, I had to sing in a choir for Easter. Without making it even halfway across the stage, my high heel got caught on a cord that was supposed to be "taped down" causing me and 20 other people to collapse. Turns out it was a main power cord that left us in the dark for 10 minutes. FML
Today, I was cuddling with the guy I like. I looked into his eyes and said, “Your eyes are so blue, like the ocean.” He replied by saying, “Your eyes are so brown…like my shit.” FML
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
34 things that frustrate me
- People who read the computer screen over my shoulder.
- When someone takes the last of something in a box in the pantry and doesn’t throw away the box -Psych! You don’t get the last cookie. I already ate it.
- People who eat off my plate before I’m done with my food - It’s just flat out rude
- People who order a cheese burger without cheese - That’s called a hamburger.
- “That’s what she said” jokes - Are we back in Middle School again?
- When people pronounce Italian with a long “I” sound
- PEOPLE WHO TYPE IN ALL UPPER CASE
- People who try to sing along to songs they don’t know
- When I get a “chocolate chip cookie” with no chocolate chips
- No prize in the apple jacks box – That toy is the sole reason I eat them
- When the internet stalls – I’m extremely impatient
- When people pronounce the “h” in words like what and who – Those are supposed to be silent
- Parents who say “because I said so.” - That's the worst reason I've every heard
- People constantly asking why – Maybe you aren’t supposed to know why
- Rap – It’s absolutely obnoxious and annoying
- People who skip school because they're "tired." - We're all tired but not everyone can skip. What makes you so special?
- People who ask to copy my school work - I did it, you can do it too.
- People who ask what's on a test I've taken that they're about to take - I didn't have help with it so what makes you think you should?
- Tramp stamps – Those should be reserved for hookers only
- Hairy butt cracks - Gross.
- Mullets
- People with tattoos all over their bodies - That's just ridiculous
- People who get offended easily – Chill out. I wasn’t intending to offend
- When people don’t get sarcasm
- When you get in that awkward situation where you’re trying to walk by someone going the other direction and they go the way as you so you run into each other
- People who go at a snails pace right in front of me when I can’t get around them.
- The front foyer during passing time.
- PDA – Get a room
- Stupid subs who don’t know what they’re doing
- Not knowing what time it is
- Teachers who move up due dates
- Not having a pencil when I need one
- When someone eats loudly while we’re taking a test in class – “I’m trying to concentrate here!”
- People who don’t use their blinker.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
DON'T READ THIS!
Did that make you want to read this?
Hypothetical situation:
Let’s say your friend walks up to you with a clan of people following, carrying a foreign object in their hand. They make a twisted, some might say “stanky” face and says, “This smells soooo bad. Smell it!” And thrust the foreign object in your immediate direction. All the while the people who were following your friend and conveniently stopped to watch are all giggling and watching closely for your reaction. Do you smell it?
After putting the clues together, the stanky face, the fact that it’s a foreign object, and the snickering friends all around, common sense would say, “Don’t smell it! Why would you smell something that you can tell smells retched and disgusting without getting anywhere near it! You don’t even know what this thing is!” Even though this “voice” is yelling at you and telling you not to do it, you can’t help it. Some imaginary force starts pushing your face towards the object. You try to tell it no and repel it from forcing you to smell this hideous and disgusting thing, but you can’t stop it. You have to smell this thing.
You smell it
It smells worse than you ever could have imagined
Everyone laughs hysterically. So much so that they keel over in pain.
With the same stanky face as your friend had upon their approach, you turn to your friend and yell, “Why would you make me smell that?! That’s disgusting! What is that!?”
“I didn’t make you smell it. You totally smelled it on your own. I have no idea what this is. I just found it and thought it smelled disgusting so I’m having everyone smell it” Says your friend with the most malicious grin they can muster.
This happens to me all the time. Whenever someone says smell this, it’s gross, I can never resist but to smell it. Kind of like the cliché, curiosity killed the cat. Except it’d be curiosity caused the human to create a funny, stanky face and yell. I think I’m gonna have to start using that. See if it catches on.
This is exactly like when someone’s doing something behind you and they yell, “Don’t look!” I usually immediately look to see what all the fuss is about and then the person gets aggravated and exclaims they told me not to look and that I should have followed those instructions. This situation is a little different because it gets a little awkward if you see something you shouldn’t because you looked but really it’s kind of their fault. They know the rules of saying something like that. Everyone does.
Hypothetical situation:
Let’s say your friend walks up to you with a clan of people following, carrying a foreign object in their hand. They make a twisted, some might say “stanky” face and says, “This smells soooo bad. Smell it!” And thrust the foreign object in your immediate direction. All the while the people who were following your friend and conveniently stopped to watch are all giggling and watching closely for your reaction. Do you smell it?
After putting the clues together, the stanky face, the fact that it’s a foreign object, and the snickering friends all around, common sense would say, “Don’t smell it! Why would you smell something that you can tell smells retched and disgusting without getting anywhere near it! You don’t even know what this thing is!” Even though this “voice” is yelling at you and telling you not to do it, you can’t help it. Some imaginary force starts pushing your face towards the object. You try to tell it no and repel it from forcing you to smell this hideous and disgusting thing, but you can’t stop it. You have to smell this thing.
You smell it
It smells worse than you ever could have imagined
Everyone laughs hysterically. So much so that they keel over in pain.
With the same stanky face as your friend had upon their approach, you turn to your friend and yell, “Why would you make me smell that?! That’s disgusting! What is that!?”
“I didn’t make you smell it. You totally smelled it on your own. I have no idea what this is. I just found it and thought it smelled disgusting so I’m having everyone smell it” Says your friend with the most malicious grin they can muster.
This happens to me all the time. Whenever someone says smell this, it’s gross, I can never resist but to smell it. Kind of like the cliché, curiosity killed the cat. Except it’d be curiosity caused the human to create a funny, stanky face and yell. I think I’m gonna have to start using that. See if it catches on.
This is exactly like when someone’s doing something behind you and they yell, “Don’t look!” I usually immediately look to see what all the fuss is about and then the person gets aggravated and exclaims they told me not to look and that I should have followed those instructions. This situation is a little different because it gets a little awkward if you see something you shouldn’t because you looked but really it’s kind of their fault. They know the rules of saying something like that. Everyone does.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Which do you follow? Do you stop at the stop sign? Or do you follow the sign under telling you not to stop? Could a cop pull you over here for doing either one? That’d really suck if you got really confused as to which to follow and ended up stopping and the cop pulls you over to tell you that you’re supposed to follow the other sign. I’d probably tell the cop that I meant to not stop but when I was deciding which one to follow I got a brain overload. I think he’d buy it, don’t you?
When I came across this picture, I chuckled to myself a little. It’s a sign about something that isn’t very important and advertises that the edges are sharp and do not touch edges as if you are going to explode if you do, and the read reason for the sign is to inform people the bridge is out ahead.There are a few things wrong with this sign. The most obvious one would be that they have the real purpose of the sign in extremely small print. But if you look really closely to the sign, you’ll notice that the edges don’t look sharp at all. Granted, you can’t see if from the side so I suppose it could be pointed that way, but really, it doesn’t look that sharp. Maybe if a tornado swept through that area and cause the sign to hurl towards you at extremely high speeds you’d want to know that the sign is sharp and to watch out. But if you’re in an area where a tornado is hitting, you have an enormous amount of problems on your hands. You could get hit by a cow, or a car, or a sharp sign, but you’ll know to watch out for the sign because it says on the sign to watch out for the sharp edges. So don’t worry about it.
The pictures on the sign aren’t about the sharp edges either. They’re telling people walking and cars not to go near the bridge. Either that or I’m completely misreading the symbols and it’s actually saying, “Walkers, don’t come touch this sign. It could seriously hurt you.” And “Cars, don’t run into this sign whatever you do or you could seriously do some damage to the car and to the people riding inside because of these sharp edges. Don’t worry about hitting anything else. These sharp edges will end it all.”
This sign absolutely, positively one of the most ridiculous signs I’ve seen. If I saw one on the road, I’d definitely feel obliged to hit it up with some graffiti.
Puppy Love
I GOT A NEW PUPPY!!!!!!!!!!
She’s so cute and fluffy and has a really high pitched growl!
We had to drive 7 hours to get her. When I first heard this I was quite disappointed. I really didn’t want to ride in a car that long. I don’t enjoy riding in cars for a long period of time. It’s just no fun. So we drove 7 hours to look at 4 puppies and choose one to take home. On the way to Minnesota, a family friend called to report that the father in the family had finally decided it would be okay to get a puppy so they requested we get one for them. We were going to look at sheltie puppies and own a 4 year old sheltie before we left. The family who wanted us to bring them a puppy back has hung out with our 4 year old sheltie, Lacey, and really like her. They decided they wanted a boy so we chose the one we thought would best fit them.
There were 2 girls and 2 boys when we arrived at the house selling us the puppies. One girl was the most petite out of the 4. She had really small paws and a really small head. The breeder told us they usually grow into their head and paws so she predicted she would be the smallest out of all of them. The other girl would be small too and was just as loveable. The two boys were sooo cute as well. One was extremely spunky and loved to run around and play. The other one was a little bigger than the spunky one and loved cuddle and be held. My parent’s friends decided they wanted a boy so we picked out the more cuddly, calm one for them and got the little petite girl for us to take home.
We actually had to hide the poor puppies in a suitcase to get them into the hotel because we didn’t want to pay extra for the two puppies after paying for our dog lacey. It was like they were play peak-a-boo with us when we opened the suitcase. It was precious. This is where we first discovered they like to chew on toes with their sharp little puppy teeth.
After much debating over what to call this new puppy, we narrowed it down to 5: Ellie, Bella, Zoe, Mylo, and Tori. After looking at the puppy and spending time with it, I decided I liked Zoe the best. My dad decided his first choice for a name would be Tori. And my mom thought Bella sounded the best for a name for the puppy. It’s always hard making decisions in our family as you can see. My dad came up with a long voting thing which immediately got shot down by my mother so we sat and discussed it for EVER! We finally managed to get it narrowed down to Zoe and Bella after much debating. Now we’re stuck. No one wants to give in. It may come down to flipping a coin. Sweet. We’re going to flip a coin to name our dog. I’m psyched.
She’s so cute and fluffy and has a really high pitched growl!
We had to drive 7 hours to get her. When I first heard this I was quite disappointed. I really didn’t want to ride in a car that long. I don’t enjoy riding in cars for a long period of time. It’s just no fun. So we drove 7 hours to look at 4 puppies and choose one to take home. On the way to Minnesota, a family friend called to report that the father in the family had finally decided it would be okay to get a puppy so they requested we get one for them. We were going to look at sheltie puppies and own a 4 year old sheltie before we left. The family who wanted us to bring them a puppy back has hung out with our 4 year old sheltie, Lacey, and really like her. They decided they wanted a boy so we chose the one we thought would best fit them.
There were 2 girls and 2 boys when we arrived at the house selling us the puppies. One girl was the most petite out of the 4. She had really small paws and a really small head. The breeder told us they usually grow into their head and paws so she predicted she would be the smallest out of all of them. The other girl would be small too and was just as loveable. The two boys were sooo cute as well. One was extremely spunky and loved to run around and play. The other one was a little bigger than the spunky one and loved cuddle and be held. My parent’s friends decided they wanted a boy so we picked out the more cuddly, calm one for them and got the little petite girl for us to take home.
We actually had to hide the poor puppies in a suitcase to get them into the hotel because we didn’t want to pay extra for the two puppies after paying for our dog lacey. It was like they were play peak-a-boo with us when we opened the suitcase. It was precious. This is where we first discovered they like to chew on toes with their sharp little puppy teeth.
After much debating over what to call this new puppy, we narrowed it down to 5: Ellie, Bella, Zoe, Mylo, and Tori. After looking at the puppy and spending time with it, I decided I liked Zoe the best. My dad decided his first choice for a name would be Tori. And my mom thought Bella sounded the best for a name for the puppy. It’s always hard making decisions in our family as you can see. My dad came up with a long voting thing which immediately got shot down by my mother so we sat and discussed it for EVER! We finally managed to get it narrowed down to Zoe and Bella after much debating. Now we’re stuck. No one wants to give in. It may come down to flipping a coin. Sweet. We’re going to flip a coin to name our dog. I’m psyched.
Get ready for story time!
Hannah: Why do we have finger nails?
Me: I'm not sure, maybe to protect the skin at the tip of our fingers?
Hannah: But what's so special about the tips of my fingers? Why don't we have fingernails all over our bodies? I mean the rest of me should be protected too right?
Me: Woah, what if we had fingernails all over our bodies? Or our whole body was a fingernail!
Hannah: I'd paint myself a pretty color and spray myself with spray on glue and then roll in glitter!
Me: Or you could have a friend blow it on you while you spin! That'd be so cool! and you could be a different color every day. Instead of changing clothes, you changed colors of the paint you're wearing and whether you want glitter or not.
Hannah: Next step in evolution
We decided we should have our own reality tv show after this.
Hannah: Why do we have finger nails?
Me: I'm not sure, maybe to protect the skin at the tip of our fingers?
Hannah: But what's so special about the tips of my fingers? Why don't we have fingernails all over our bodies? I mean the rest of me should be protected too right?
Me: Woah, what if we had fingernails all over our bodies? Or our whole body was a fingernail!
Hannah: I'd paint myself a pretty color and spray myself with spray on glue and then roll in glitter!
Me: Or you could have a friend blow it on you while you spin! That'd be so cool! and you could be a different color every day. Instead of changing clothes, you changed colors of the paint you're wearing and whether you want glitter or not.
Hannah: Next step in evolution
We decided we should have our own reality tv show after this.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
A Look Back
So here’s the thing. I usually don’t watch Disney channel. It’s stupid and dumb and I don’t like it. Frustrates me how stupid it is. But recently they actually had a pretty good idea. Sounds like an oxymoron doesn’t it? Disney Channel having a good idea? It’s kind of just like a miracle happened.
So to stop the anticipation cause I know you all are just dying to know what this crazy crazy miracle is. Disney Channel finally decided to broadcast four of Disney’s old classic movies. To get specific, they showed Mulan (bleh), Hercules (pretty good), Aladdin (one of my favorites), and Tarzan (absolutely amazing!). So there you go, the crazy amazing idea Disney Channel finally decided to run with and grace us with these movies.
Mulan. Kinda funny with Eddy Murphy doing the voice of the dragon and all the racist references Disney slipped in there, but still not the best. Don’t really like the plot. Plus there’s violence and cross dressing. That’s never good for children.
Hercules. It’s always good to learn about Greek gods. They’re cool. There’s drama and love and humor and a lot of pretty colors. It’s a good one. The little baby Pegasus is my favorite.
Aladdin. So good. I really like the music in this one. It’s different and clever. Plus Robin Williams is a genius. Very good as the voice the genie. I’m extremely impressed with the things he did with the character. My favorite in this one, however, would have to be Raja, Jasmine’s tiger. I wish I had a pet tiger. That’d be so cool. I could ride him into the sunset and no one would ever mess with me ever again because I’d just send Raja to get them. If only
Tarzan. Gets me every time. This soundtrack is actually my favorite. It’s nice and sentimental and even teaches children some life lessons. I kinda wish I grew up with apes. That’d be so cool. I’d know everything about being out in the wild and dealing with animals. Plus the African jungle looks really fun to play in, like a huge jungle gym! That’s probably where they got the name! I just realized. That’s called an epiphany right there.
Now I know you’re asking yourself, “Self, she obviously really really likes these movies. I wonder if she just watched them while they were airing, because we both know she’s a busy person, or did she record them all with her DVR to save and watch multiple times in the future…hmmmmm” Now since I’m such a nice person, I have decided to help you out with the predicament you’ve gotten yourself into. Yes, I was busy at the time they showed these movies. And yes, I did record all four movies to watch multiple times in the future. It was just too good of an opportunity to pass up.
So to stop the anticipation cause I know you all are just dying to know what this crazy crazy miracle is. Disney Channel finally decided to broadcast four of Disney’s old classic movies. To get specific, they showed Mulan (bleh), Hercules (pretty good), Aladdin (one of my favorites), and Tarzan (absolutely amazing!). So there you go, the crazy amazing idea Disney Channel finally decided to run with and grace us with these movies.
Mulan. Kinda funny with Eddy Murphy doing the voice of the dragon and all the racist references Disney slipped in there, but still not the best. Don’t really like the plot. Plus there’s violence and cross dressing. That’s never good for children.
Hercules. It’s always good to learn about Greek gods. They’re cool. There’s drama and love and humor and a lot of pretty colors. It’s a good one. The little baby Pegasus is my favorite.
Aladdin. So good. I really like the music in this one. It’s different and clever. Plus Robin Williams is a genius. Very good as the voice the genie. I’m extremely impressed with the things he did with the character. My favorite in this one, however, would have to be Raja, Jasmine’s tiger. I wish I had a pet tiger. That’d be so cool. I could ride him into the sunset and no one would ever mess with me ever again because I’d just send Raja to get them. If only
Tarzan. Gets me every time. This soundtrack is actually my favorite. It’s nice and sentimental and even teaches children some life lessons. I kinda wish I grew up with apes. That’d be so cool. I’d know everything about being out in the wild and dealing with animals. Plus the African jungle looks really fun to play in, like a huge jungle gym! That’s probably where they got the name! I just realized. That’s called an epiphany right there.
Now I know you’re asking yourself, “Self, she obviously really really likes these movies. I wonder if she just watched them while they were airing, because we both know she’s a busy person, or did she record them all with her DVR to save and watch multiple times in the future…hmmmmm” Now since I’m such a nice person, I have decided to help you out with the predicament you’ve gotten yourself into. Yes, I was busy at the time they showed these movies. And yes, I did record all four movies to watch multiple times in the future. It was just too good of an opportunity to pass up.
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